Forget the end-times and eat praline brownies

I am officially back to being a vegetarian, which means I get to watch other people enjoy food while I suffer.

I should have gone to school to become one of those monks who punish themselves by eating tofu and eggplant.

My daughter, Katy the boss, came home from college and cut me off from life with her insane food rules, which in her world is meant to cure me of this darn living thing.

Between Katy and my personal demon from hell, Dr. Killyasoon, I will soon be so healthy there will no longer be any point in breathing.

Once Dr. Killyasoon discovered (to his joy) I had diabetes, he has spent every minute telling me if I eat this my eyes will fall out, or if you eat that both arms will go numb and I will start slobbering.

I told him I slobber every night, which was a mistake. He put me through a series of unspeakable medical atrocities.

The problem in my view is the good doctor’s logic. He said his plan is to keep diabetes from killing me.

All right, we string it out until something else knocks me off, but I have many years of misery to enjoy and I will keep experiencing the joy of buying him a new boat.

That’s great.

Unfortunately his logic from the underworld has infected my daughter, and now my diet is one step up from barf. Ask anyone in my office. All I get are complaints about smelly food.

“How can you eat that it looks like snot?”

Such help I get.

To offset my new found happiness, I invent recipes and force them on the unsuspecting.

My most recent madness was praline brownies. I saw someone on Food TV make them and decided to try to come up with my own version.

The best part is I can’t nibble on so much as a crumb or Dr. Killyasoon said I will immediately have a stroke, and still have to pay all the bills. His boat is not paid for yet and it needs a new wet bar.

The first batch I made had enough butter and chocolate and sugar to max out the blood sugar of God.

Everyone at the office and everyone I forced the brownies onto seemed to like it, but the praline goofed up the texture.

The basic process is to make a standard brownie recipe, but add pralines.

Pralines are a southern carmel-like candy with nuts, usually pecans. I made the pralines kind of soft and floated them into the mix. Just before baking I added a cup of chocolate chips for texture.

While it cooked I made a creamy, butter praline frosting.

The taste appeared to be fine, but the texture was too stiff.

I am making another batch this week, but the plan is to make the pralines a day ahead and cut them up before mixing them into the brownie mix. Also I am using M&Ms instead of chocolate chips and maybe a cream cheese topping.

I had a request for German chocolate frosting, so I will do one of each.

I bet if I took some to Dr. Killyasoon he would eat them, and then poke me with something because they taste good.

If anyone would like to try a new version of my praline brownies, come by the office, or give me a call and I will get you the recipe.

But you have to tell me how it tastes while I live it up with my tofu and eggplant tartar.

The end-times may be near, but praline brownies will make it better.