I am going to reveal a few shocking secrets in this column.

There are people around here who think I do not understand hair lingo when it comes to… women (more commonly known to men as the unknowable ones).

I understand it is more than a little surprising to think someone like me would not understand the hair thing.

Let me explain.

There are quite a few women in my office and they often use a language that causes me to start banging my head against nearby walls.

It happened a couple of days ago.

The term humidity hair came up in a conversation.

“Haven’t you ever heard of humidity hair?”

I tried to act alert, but my head banging gave me away.

I have always considered myself to be Mr. Zippy when it comes to all hair flippy things. I mean let’s be real. I wore a cape and mask as a child. I know things.

But I had never heard of humidity hair, which suddenly made me a single cell swamp swimmer.

In fact one of the other women in the office added her humidity hair story about some curl turning left when it was supposed to bank right.

Please God, help me.

Are there any hopeless males on earth who understand what women are talking about when they start with the hair words?

It’s unbelievable. It’s a language no man knew existed until a woman you thought you knew starts talking gibberish.

Well, let me tell you the secret. It’s not gibberish. It is a secret code only women know. They use it inside those salon places with darkened windows. If a male walks in everyone becomes quiet and stares that special stare we all know and fear.

Here is a simple experiment for any poor male to try, but I warn you to be careful, you are dealing with an unpredictable force of the universe.

While standing innocently in a room with at least two women, bring up the subject of hair curls and say flippy, flippy. After a couple of sentences you (the male dummy) no longer exist and the women begin talking hair English.

I can tell you I have heard directly from a reliable source that God stands around in the God place and pokes Peter with his elbow when he hears hair talk and asks, “What does that mean? How come they are saying things I don’t understand? I’m supposed to be God and I get to understand everything in the universe. Isn’t this a sin or something? Who took the rule book?”

After considerable thought and contemplation I have come up with a solution to this problem.

I was listening to a women’s studies professor on the radio a few days ago and it occurred to me there needs to be a special course for men offered at the universities – Hair English 101.

The prerequisite would be Hair English 101, but the more advanced student could jump into Hair English 102 or 103, but he would need to get a signature from his wife or girlfriend.

I am certain the secret to understanding the unknowable ones is to decipher the code of hair English.

Imagine a world where women talk and men actually know what they are saying.

Imagine a world where men would no longer have to nod and mumble and pretend they are limping from an imaginary football injury.

Imagine a world where humidity hair is understandable and we know what flippy, curly and something, something, something means.

Just imagine.