The first snow of the season has fallen and all the fun Christmas tunes are filling the air, which means one happy thing – a whole pile of helpless husbands will be out desperately hunting for that special gift for their wives.
Let me give a bit of advice from someone with years of experience in this area. You will fail. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you are genetically programed as a husband to fail. This is another of God’s many funny jokes. Ha. Ha.
I have done an extensive study over the last couple of decades on the subject of Christmas presents, specifically girl Christmas presents, which means not just any present, but the perfect present for the perfect wife.
What does the perfect Christmas present look like?
As a male, God did not provide you with the answer to that question. I understand you believe you know it, but that is our happy, shared delusion.
I used to believe God would reveal the secret answer to the perfect Christmas present question about the time other hard things were revealed to me, like how come I can’t eat all the Ho Hos I want.
I recently decided waiting for a revelation from God could take awhile and it was time for some serious study on the subject.
I conducted a few clandestine surveys and here are some of the results.
According to a secret goddess I interviewed, women actually think we are helpless knuckle-dragging Neanderthals when it comes to Christmas, birthday, anniversary and any other type of presents. This may come as a shock, but some women seem to think we are not very sensitive. Funny, I always thought I was Mr. Sensitive.
After compiling the data from my survey and drawing on years of personal experience, I can offer a few Christmas present schemes that I can tell you will not work.
• “Honey, why don’t you tell me where to go, what to buy and when to buy it, but whisper it in my ear so no one will hear it.”
I always thought that was pretty darn clever.
Apparently it is not.
• This one is known as the near death experience.
Buy jewelry at a bulk rate, something around 5 bucks, and give her the same thing each year.
My idea was to wrap it in a different colored plastic grocery bag each year to spice things up a little.
Death be not proud.
• Here is the king of dumb.
“It’s the thought that counts.”
Oh yeah… think about it all you want, but get the wrong Christmas present, and you will become one with the floor in your garage on Christmas night.
Ho ho ho.
The root of the problem is how males see Christmas presents. Remember men are simply tall babies. We still want the same cool things we did when we were five – magic rings that make us invisible and a cape for flying.
The women of the world want something much different and I have no clue what it is.
But here is the secret. (This part is for men only, so all women stop reading, please.) I always knew I had no clue what to buy, but the year-long groveling was the real fun. I am convinced all good marriages come with large doses of male whining, groveling and sniveling – and it always gets the desired results.
Happy hunting for the perfect Christmas present, and may your quest fail miserably.
