I saw the sign for the Covington tree lighting event next month, and it felt a little sad now that the Mega Tree is gone. I didn’t realize there was a new tree in the middle of that roundabout, since I’m concentrating on not getting killed by the people who haven’t learned how to drive in a roundabout yet.

So when I heard that Maple Valley is considering a public art piece for its forthcoming roundabout on Witte Road, my first thought was “I didn’t even notice Covington’s Mega Tree II; how would I notice a public art project?”

Personally, I just don’t understand art in general. People can work themselves up into a frenzy over how deep and meaningful a piece of art is, and when I see one that depicts something about humanity’s struggles, my typical male response is to simply try to fix the problems, and not build a diorama to celebrate them.

That means I probably won’t be invited to be a judge for local art contests at the Lake Wilderness Lodge. But that’s OK; I’ll still be able to give you directions to the lodge. Just go to the new roundabout, and turn at the bronze statue of Ryan Ryals, local hero. He’s gesturing in the direction of the lodge, and don’t worry, there is an appropriately placed fig leaf.

OK, now I’m taking it too far. The statue of me probably won’t be in bronze, because the metal thieves will steal it to melt it down for the scrap money. Also, after the third or fourth statue of me is replaced, you might start to wonder if it’s really worth it (yes, it is).

Not only that, but vandalism is a big concern. Anything that can hold spray paint is a target, and highly visible art projects are always prized. Plus, it’s on the way to one of the city’s most popular drug dealing spots, so no extra effort is required to get to it.

Bronze statues are out, so what should we put there? It’s right at the turn where the Maple Valley Days parade goes by, so it might be nice to have something city-related, something that represents the town well. So far I’ve heard suggestions like a big giant maple leaf in concrete, a huge rock with Maple Valley blasted into the side, and a statue of the mayor holding a small child’s hand and pointing into the distance like the Walt Disney statue (no, that isn’t the mayor’s idea).

But we do need a good idea. A really boring art piece would discourage vandals, but would also seem like a wasted opportunity to create something timeless and worth talking about. What should we put there? Send me your ideas by e-mail, no matter how ridiculous you think they are, and I’ll take up your cause with the city.

If you’re thinking about something that’s possibly offensive or obscene, you might wait until you deliver it before mentioning that fact. Back in 2001, the city of Pasco asked a couple of artists to submit pieces for display in city hall, and the first piece turned in was a headless, naked bronze statue that was displaying its backside to the viewers. The second piece consisted of prints of a naked couple’s silhouette from post-World War II Germany.

The statue was on display for about a week, and was removed after multiple complaints about its offensiveness, while the prints were never displayed. Both artists sued the city for violating their First Amendment rights, and won their case. Pasco officials didn’t have an ordinance against offensive public art (Maple Valley doesn’t either), and they neglected to negotiate a right of refusal into their contract with the artists.

Even if your idea is approved, you might have to donate it yourself if you want to see it displayed. The city of Coral Springs, Florida gave up on their public art projects this week, blaming the “current economic climate” as the reason for not spending $60,000 on them. Except, the money they aren’t spending isn’t going anywhere. It doesn’t get spent at all.

Yes, people there are struggling financially, but this money won’t help them. It also won’t help the financially struggling artists, who won’t spend that money filling their economic needs, by spending it at local businesses and generating new tax revenue. Instead, it will just sit in a bank account until it doesn’t feel so guilty to spend money again.

Maple Valley will probably choose the same path, but I hope they don’t. The only question left to answer then is, should my statue face north or south?