So today I thought I would interview myself, because A) few of you wonderful folks have sent me job-hunting related questions, B) I’m up against my deadline and C) I just finished watching “Interview with the Vampire” and the dialogue seemed scarily apt.

Jules, thanks for agreeing to this interview. So, what do you do?

I’m unemployed.

…oh. That’s…something I’ve only reported in the context of roaming hordes. You mean this literally, I take it?

Absolutely. I was waiting for you: watching you watching me. And then you began to speak.

You said you were waiting for me. What were you going to do? Kill me, stuff me in a trunk, take my job?

Yes, but you needn’t be concerned with that now.

So how long…Wait. What? One minute you’re planning on stuffing me in a trunk and stealing my job, then all of a sudden you’re not? What, am I coated in garlic?

Hello. You’re interviewing ME. For free. IN THE PAPER. Not exactly a plan that’ll fill my pockets with jingle-jangle.

Right. So. Let’s get to it. Your story. How long have you been undead, err, unemployed?

I’ll tell you my story. I’ll tell you whatever you wish to know. I’m flesh and blood, but not human. I haven’t been human for 104 days.

Holy..! 104 DAYS? How do you survive?

There are those who are older, stronger than me. They have long since learned to live on more than dreams. They persist on whatever hope and help they can, and therefore so do I.

That *is* inhuman. I know the job market is bad, but there’s got to be SOMETHING out there.

Spoken like someone who has never known the anguish of invisibility, the thirst for an interview, the indignity of daytime television. Life – as it drags on thus – has no meaning anymore.

So how did this happen?

It was December in my third year of service as a city event producer. I was 35, younger than you are now. But times were different then – I was a master of booking bands, raising funds, cutting costs and folding thousands upon thousands of paper-bag flowers by hand. Then the dark storm of budget cuts set me adrift upon a barren ocean. So, I set my eyes on a new horizon. I have not landed yet.

You mentioned a new horizon. I take it you’re making a career change. What kind of jobs are you looking for, exactly?

Among my many dark gifts in marketing, customer support and e-commerce, my skills in the arts of Web and Print Design are what call out to me in the night. And day.

Do you freelance?

You betcha.

Have you had any job interviews yet?

One. Ironically, it was a phone interview for a Sales Web Site Coordinator for Dungeons and Dragon’s: Magic, the Gathering. Apparently, I wasn’t a big enough geek.

Wow. Shocking. So, what was your personal worst job interview?

The one where I showed up five minutes late. On purpose. My mentor advised me to make an “Amazing Stuff I Can Do With This Job” idea box, place it in the interview room and bedazzle the interviewers with my brilliance. I can’t prove being late cost me the job, but I was eliminated in the first round. And one of my ideas became a $53 item on Baudville.com. Where I have not ever worked. Awesome.

What kind of job search strategy are you using?

Alas, the straight resume and application process has got to be the only real evil left. For over five months, I have endured it. And yet my soul starves. I can’t stand it any longer, so my new strategy is to promote myself like a business would – using a multi-channel marketing blitz that includes a Web site update, online portfolio, flash elements, mailing materials and in-person visits.

And maybe one or two vampires.