Eulogy for Robert Edward Hershman
January 23, 1943 – October 3, 2024
Dedicated to all those out there who have absent fathers and mothers. Please don’t waste time trying to get people to love you. Spend time and energy on those who already do.
To the lovely ladies from Hope Fellowship in Maple Valley WA who were so gracious and friendly and gave their condolences to me and my brother after our short eulogies at our father’s service on
November 12, 2024. My father’s wife and family have yet to do that.
This is the longer version of my eulogy from the memorial.
My name is Dana Hershman, Robert Edward Hershman Jr. was my father. Some people think they know everything about me and my father’s relationship. Some of those people I have not seen for over 30 years. More than likely they know one side of the story and that is whatever my father wanted them to believe. I could start from 55 plus years ago but the themes regarding my father are pretty much the same. For most of my life my father came and went as he pleased. Most of the time he did not show up or would show up when it was convenient for him. His excuse always would include someone else, meaning it was always someone else’s fault.
I spent time with him as a kid from time to time. Sailing, and fishing, at his home in Fresno, my grandparent’s home, the lake, and the river a few times. The best times were spent at my grandparent’s home. Sometimes my father would be there or just drop my brother and I off. In the summers, after our grandfather’s passing in 1976, my brother and I would spend a week with our grandmother. We loved spending time with her and we knew she needed companionship after our grandfather’s passing.
In high school my father attended a father-daughter dance with me, which was fun since he had never met any of my childhood or high school friends. He didn’t know my friends since he did not attend any events while I was growing up. He did not go to any sports games, school holiday events, talents shows, etc. for either my brother or me.
I lived with him for a short time during my senior year of high school when he lived in my grandmother’s home in Arcadia Ca. It was nice to spend more time with him since that is all I ever wanted.
Once I turned 18 and went off to college his ways of showing up here and there were more prevalent.
When I was 19 and in college in San Diego, I participated in an event that my father was scheduled to attend.
An hour or so before the event started Joanne (his wife) called and said my father wasn’t coming. He had a panic attack. I was disappointed but he wasn’t feeling well I guess.
Not too long after that, I made plans to meet him at a cafe in downtown San Diego for lunch. I waited over an hour for him, but he never showed up. Since there were no cell phones at the time I called him when I got home. He said something else came up. This was not the first time or the last this would happen. I was used to being disappointed and heartbroken by him, but life went on.
I really didn’t see him much after I turned 18. When I did it was me who would have to reach out to him to get a response.
When I was backpacking through Australia when I was 21, I called him collect, since that was my only option, to tell him about my adventures. Joanne answered and said, “Here is your dad.” He got on the phone and said,
“Don’t ever call here again!” and then hung up. That memory will be stuck in my mind forever. I was shocked, saddened, and heartbroken.
I guess once I turned 21, and he was technically not responsible for me and did not have a court system telling him when to see me, he did not want me around.
Life went on again. Though heartbroken, I was persistent.
I moved to Newport Beach Ca when I was about 23 since I wanted to spend more time with my father and sailing was one thing I enjoyed doing with him. I am an ocean lover as well and love being on the water. When he was around me at that time, he was pleasant and seemed happy to see me. But I knew that he was a Jekyll and Hyde. He could turn at any moment. I remember asking him during that time why my brother and I were never invited to his holiday gatherings with Joanne and her kids. He said, “I assumed you were with your mom.” I said no. It would be nice to be included in your family gatherings.” He said, “Ok.” 30 plus years later I have yet to be invited or included in any of their family gatherings.
In 2004 my grandmother passed away. My father never called me or told me that she had passed. Still to this day he has never told me how she died or what happened or why he gave all her belongings away. Many items that were given away were promised to me and my brother, not just from my grandmother but my grandfather as well.
A recent conversation with Joanne revealed that the reason he did this could have been that my brother and I did not visit our father when my brother and I were visiting our grandmother in Palm Desert one day. If this is true then it explains a lot about my father, things though that I already knew. It is ok for him to not show up for most of our lives but if you do something to upset him then he will intentionally turn on you. His actions were completely uncalled for and spiteful.
I called him shortly after to confront him about my grandmother’s passing. When he answered the phone, I asked him why he did not let me know about my grandmother and why he gave all the things that she promised to us away. He was completely silent on the phone. He did not say a word and I eventually hung up because there was no response. I realized that he does not like to be confronted or told he did something wrong. Since he thinks he can do no wrong.
About a year later I reached out to him to reconnect. Again, to give him another chance. He seemed happy that I called but of course did not bring up anything about my grandmother, didn’t apologize or tell me his reasoning. We chatted and he said, let’s stay in touch. He said, “I’ll call you next time since you called me.” He said, “I will call you next week.” I said, “Ok great.” The next week came and went. He called me 5 years later. From then on 5 years was his timeline. We were in touch again for a while in early 2011 and of course because of me reaching out. We met a couple of times for coffee which was very awkward because I did not really want to be around him and he didn’t really know me but I gave him my time. I had emailed him during that time telling him how I felt about our relationship and his lack of being a committed, loving and responsible father. All he could say was, “Sorry you’re still mad.”
Also, during my 15 years of living in Hawaii he said he was going to come out to visit me and bring his wife Joanne since she had never been. That never happened. He never came to visit me.
Still to this day my father has never apologized to me or my brother about being an absent father. I really believe that he never wanted to be a father and resented me and my brother in his life. He did not want to be responsible for us. So, at 21 it was easy to walk away since there was no court system telling him when he had to see us.
My father was not kind with words and most of the time would belittle me directly or indirectly. I am not sure what he said to others about me or my brother but I am sure it was along the lines of I love my children but they do not want to see me. I wonder if anyone ever wondered why I didn’t want to see him? I am sure I was the one to blame for not wanting to see him.
About 10 years ago he called me regarding a family property sale to let me know that our cousins may reach out to me if something happened to him during the process. I said, “Ok, I will be here if they need me.” I called him shortly after to check in to ask my father about the sale. I told him I was curious if any of the proceeds would go to my brother and I. He said, “Eventually.” I told him it was the principle of the matter since he gave everything else away from our grandmother that was promised to my brother and me. He had nothing to say. We will see if eventually ever comes.
Out of the blue, he called me 7 years ago.
I told him I was going to Palm Springs Ca (where he was living at the time) for a convention. He said, “I am sorry we are going to miss you.” I told him I probably wouldn’t go see him anyway.
After so much heartbreak, broken promises, cruelty, and lack of kindness and love I did not want to give him my time. This is the last time I spoke to him.
2 years ago he sent me a text on my birthday. I didn’t even know who it was at first. He said it was dad. I thanked him for thinking of me and told him I had a different number for him. He texted me again this year on my birthday saying he just got my message from last year. Apparently, it wasn’t important enough to respond back right away.
Some people scold me because I started calling my father Bob. Of course, they thought or think I am the bad guy since he could do no wrong. After so much heartbreak, disappointment, and lack of love and interest in me he wasn’t a father, he was Bob to me. Honestly, he didn’t deserve my time or love anymore, but I would give it to him when he would reach out. I was tired of wanting him to love me, include me, and be a father and getting nothing in return. For the most part, he was a cruel and heartless man to his children.
After his two failed marriages I am glad he found someone that he could build a relationship with. Unfortunately, that relationship did not prove favorable for my brother and me since my father was enabled and validated for his bad behavior towards his children and allowed to alienate his children from his life. But I am sure it served them all well somehow.
Thinking about that day when I called my father from Australia I probably should have never called again, as he said. But I loved my father and wanted to be part of his life. Looking back now and also at the events of how my brother and I were informed of our father’s passing (my brother was sent a text from our father’s phone saying that our father had passed and to tell Dana) as well as our treatment after his passing. Again, I was told to go away. They, his wife, and family, including my father, are and were not the type of people I would want to be associated with.
In the grand scheme of things, I lost my father a long time ago. I have cried many times over him and have been heartbroken more than loved by him. No one will ever know the pain my brother and I endured having Bob as a father.
But I do know that my life was better without him and the loss was his. My brother and I are both successful, good people with a lot of wonderful people around us who love and care for us. My father missed out on being a part of our lives. It was never really my loss, just my lesson to learn. I know God is watching over me but he also watched my father throughout his lifetime. My father professed that he was a man of God but far from godly. Since he never took responsibility for his children or his actions towards them or possibly anyone else, he may have wronged I am sure it will come back to him somehow in another lifetime. I am just glad that my lifetime with him is over.
