I have been observing this pregnancy thing over the past couple of months and I think God gypped men.

My colleague and the much better half of the editorial staff, Kris Hill, is on the verge of Baby World I.

I have two children, one of each brand, so I’ve been through this routine and let me state for the record, men could do pregnancy if it wasn’t for a couple of problems that would need to corrected.

First is pain. If God would have taken the pain part out, men would have no problems, but the pain quotient would have to be radically adjusted to somewhere in the area of none. Then yippie-zippie, we’re in.

Men are very good at whining, but things that hurt, not so much.

When my daughter Katy was born after 18-hours of labor that wore me to a frazzle, my wife, Ginny, said she was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. After 18-hours of labor Ginny said that. I couldn’t believe it. I was in such a state I needed lots of deep fried things with goop on them to make me feel better.

The part of pregnancy I want is for people to feed me bacon burgers with cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut into cute little squares. I want sympathetic strangers to bring me boxes of chocolate covered cherries, Almond Roca, fudge with German chocolate frosting and praline ice cream with lots of toppings.

I want someone to clean my house and wait on me and mow my yard.

The getting all roundy part is a perfect fit for men. And sliming down after the kid is born, forget that. Men are much better at believing they are skinny as a rail when they take up two zip codes.

The other aspect of the pregnancy program that can be a problem for men is doctors want to be skimpy on major painkilling drugs. Not a good thing.

Men would be fine with kids popping out of their bodies if large amounts of drugs could be used causing extended periods of euphoria or unconsciousness, one in the same. God should be able to work this out. I mean, he created the world from a swirling mass of something, something, something‚ so how about a morphine highball.

I figure if men could get a good steady morphine drip, or maybe a morphine gusher, we would be players in the game.

Obviously I understand God had his reason for picking women to have children, anatomy and all those parts things I try to never think about. I’m just suggesting a little equality could have been in the picture with a few simple adjustments.